Post by WigNosy on Oct 22, 2014 13:18:07 GMT -6
The media room in Atlanta is unusually boisterous - maybe it's the wet, sticky, Atlanta heat as the last vestiges of summer hang on before the cool winds of autumn blow hustle them along... or maybe it's the fact that once again, Atlanta has had another rough season, taking them forever farther away from their championship glory days, and the reporters sense blood in the water and are ready to pounce on beleagered GM WigNosy, who spent another offseason without landing an impact star. A recent column by some wet-behind-the-ears blogger accused Wig of being the reason no player wants to come to Atlanta because his ego is bigger than life and he's pretty much a jerk to players.
The room suddenly quiets as a loud hissing sound is heard from the podium at the front of the room. Wig, back arched and teeth bared, stares down the last couple of reporters to silence themselves, and continues staring daggers through them until everyone is seated.
"So, yes, we're back for another one of these. If the league office didn't pay me for doing these, I'm not sure why I'd even bother. Those of you who were here last season will probably recall that I had a plan to run the entire league into the ground by way of running a team committed to defense and so painful to watch on offense it would scare off sponsors. I figured, TBS is a national cable outlet, and they carry our games, and since there are no other nationally televised teams, it was the perfect opportunity to sink the league.
"Well, apparently that didn't exactly work, seeing as how last season the league salary cap jumped to record levels, so somebody must be making a profit. I blame janjanjanjan and hirenorm and especially gmessi for taking the profits and running. Where was I? Oh, yes, money. With so many teams flush with money this off-season, our carefully-laid scheme to lay in the bushes and then surprise attack free agents with large contracts didn't work. We offered max offers to multiple restricted free agents, but as we all know, every incumbent team matched this year, probably because they were all rolling in dough.
"Then there was the unrestricted free agent period. We made what we thought were competitive offers to a number of free agents, but obviously people spurned us for other teams. For example, we were willing to open the pocketbook to Bryon Russell," (and here Wig holds up a small burlap doll with button eyes shaped vaguely like Russell... with large pins sticking out of it), "but he wanted to take his talents to Houston, so we wish him nothing but pain." (At this point, Wig chucks the doll into a trash can and dumps lighter fluid on it.)
"We may have struck out early in free agency but I thought we made a solid comeback with the signings of Clyde Drexler and Johnny Newman. These signings made Ron Harper expendable, so with much thanks for the service he rendered last season, we shipped him out to Portland along with something called a Dontonio Wingfield for a younger, more defensive-minded guard in Marc Macon. I expect Macon to continue our new tradition of bringing eyesore defense to the table.
"Of course, we had also picked up Lawrence FUUUUUUNDERBURKE - yes I am obligated to say it that way - in the draft, so we moved Lorenzen Wright to the Wizards, who made a terrific Finals run last season, in exchange for a protected draft pick. Since the Wizards made the Finals last season, I doubt it will even hit protection, and I anticipate it will be a late pick - but Wright just wasn't going to get playing time on this team with Dampier and Wallace uglying things up ahead of him. My hope is that this draft pick will net us another player who knows how to play ugly.
"So, I think we have reinforced the ugly and hopefully will be on national TV even more this year to drive profits - and the cap - into the ground since we have pretty much no expensive long-term commitments. Oh, one final question... when does a cat sound like a dog? Anyone? No?" (Wig produces a match, lights it by rubbing it off his top left incisor, and chucks it into the trash can, causing the thing to erupt into a pillar of flames with an audible "WOOF!")
Wig cracks a hint of a crooked smile and in a sibilant whisper asks, "Questions?"
The room suddenly quiets as a loud hissing sound is heard from the podium at the front of the room. Wig, back arched and teeth bared, stares down the last couple of reporters to silence themselves, and continues staring daggers through them until everyone is seated.
"So, yes, we're back for another one of these. If the league office didn't pay me for doing these, I'm not sure why I'd even bother. Those of you who were here last season will probably recall that I had a plan to run the entire league into the ground by way of running a team committed to defense and so painful to watch on offense it would scare off sponsors. I figured, TBS is a national cable outlet, and they carry our games, and since there are no other nationally televised teams, it was the perfect opportunity to sink the league.
"Well, apparently that didn't exactly work, seeing as how last season the league salary cap jumped to record levels, so somebody must be making a profit. I blame janjanjanjan and hirenorm and especially gmessi for taking the profits and running. Where was I? Oh, yes, money. With so many teams flush with money this off-season, our carefully-laid scheme to lay in the bushes and then surprise attack free agents with large contracts didn't work. We offered max offers to multiple restricted free agents, but as we all know, every incumbent team matched this year, probably because they were all rolling in dough.
"Then there was the unrestricted free agent period. We made what we thought were competitive offers to a number of free agents, but obviously people spurned us for other teams. For example, we were willing to open the pocketbook to Bryon Russell," (and here Wig holds up a small burlap doll with button eyes shaped vaguely like Russell... with large pins sticking out of it), "but he wanted to take his talents to Houston, so we wish him nothing but pain." (At this point, Wig chucks the doll into a trash can and dumps lighter fluid on it.)
"We may have struck out early in free agency but I thought we made a solid comeback with the signings of Clyde Drexler and Johnny Newman. These signings made Ron Harper expendable, so with much thanks for the service he rendered last season, we shipped him out to Portland along with something called a Dontonio Wingfield for a younger, more defensive-minded guard in Marc Macon. I expect Macon to continue our new tradition of bringing eyesore defense to the table.
"Of course, we had also picked up Lawrence FUUUUUUNDERBURKE - yes I am obligated to say it that way - in the draft, so we moved Lorenzen Wright to the Wizards, who made a terrific Finals run last season, in exchange for a protected draft pick. Since the Wizards made the Finals last season, I doubt it will even hit protection, and I anticipate it will be a late pick - but Wright just wasn't going to get playing time on this team with Dampier and Wallace uglying things up ahead of him. My hope is that this draft pick will net us another player who knows how to play ugly.
"So, I think we have reinforced the ugly and hopefully will be on national TV even more this year to drive profits - and the cap - into the ground since we have pretty much no expensive long-term commitments. Oh, one final question... when does a cat sound like a dog? Anyone? No?" (Wig produces a match, lights it by rubbing it off his top left incisor, and chucks it into the trash can, causing the thing to erupt into a pillar of flames with an audible "WOOF!")
Wig cracks a hint of a crooked smile and in a sibilant whisper asks, "Questions?"
