Post by WigNosy on Aug 26, 2014 11:20:07 GMT -6
The Hawks' practice facility is crowded with reporters, waiting impatiently in the hot press room for practice to get out. The lack of air conditioning is apparent, and a number of reporters have already removed suit jackets and loosened their ties in an attempt to get some air. The squeaking of sneakers and the tweets of whistles, as well as unintelligible hollers from the coaching staff can be heard echoing through the halls from the practice court. As usual, Wig is late to his own press conference.
Finally, the door at the front of the room opens and two attendants wheel in... a large cart on which is mounted a closed-circuit TV. They switch it on and the image of Wig comes quickly into focus, seated on a couch and apparently unaware the camera is on. As the reporters begin to snicker, Wig suddenly looks up at the camera.
"My staff informs me that you're all back again. I thought the catsharks armed with laser beams outside would have given you a clue that..."
Wig suddenly looks off camera to his right and says more quietly, "What's that? They're dead? Why are they dead? Well why are they DEAD and rotting outside on the sidewalk? Water? Really? Of course not, you KNOW I hate that stuff! No, I... look, we'll discuss this later, I have things to take care of right now!"
Wig snaps his head back to the camera, "... anyway, I thought you all would have been scared off after the disaster that was last season. We fought all season long up until the trade deadline, when it was clear looking at the rest of our schedule (mostly road games against high playoff seeds) that we had no chance to make the playoffs. At that point, we decided to cut our losses, selling off all our expiring contracts for draft picks on the theory that this was a lost season anyway and it wasn't like we were exactly giving up our future... and we saw the result... a 28-54 campaign with our chance to get a superstar offensive player screwed up by two plucky wins over the division-leading Pacers and eventual champion Warriors in the final week of the season, followed by losing every lottery tie-break and falling back to 8th in the draft. No, I am absolutely NOT bitter about this.
"It was while stewing in my own juices about that I decided if I'm going to have to miserable watching this team lose, the least I can do is make life miserable for every other team that comes in here and for their fans by making it miserable to watch our games. However, since I didn't like stewing in my own juices here in the Atlanta heat - which is NOT a dry heat - I had air conditioning installed in my offices. No, I didn't install it in the whole building - I'm still chea... er... frugal, so I'm afraid you all will just have to suck it. What? Oh. Up? Suck Up? Reall? Yes I like that... reporters will have to suck up to... wait, hang on, no... you reporters will have to suck it up. And suck up, too. Or maybe not... our on-court talent - particularly following training camp - should prove more than capable of taking care of sucking this year.
"Given our bad lotto luck, I was quite pleased to see Ben Wallace fall to us at number 8. He gives us a guy that I think can grow into a lock-down defender in the frontcourt who can make opposing big men miserable. When Erick Dampier came available at number 13, I felt it was all but incumbent upon me to draft him. Pairing Dampier with Ben Wallace means I can probably count on our front court for no more than 4 points per game once they become starters. Add them to defensively gifted guard Eric Snow and I think we are building a strong candidate for the MOST OFFENSIVE TEAM - to watch - in the entire league.
<-- Actual video from our official scouting department
"Even better, I was able to bring in yet another young big man cut from the same cloth with Lorenzen Wright when I picked at 17. I hope in a couple of years, Lorenzen will bring that same defensive intensity and utter offensive ineptitude to the frontcourt that Wallace and Dampier do.
"I have already had a talk with Randy Brown, too. It seems he developed a taste for offense last season, putting up a career-high 17 points per game. I was just glad I locked him into a long-term deal for cheap before he decided to do that and go get a big head. I've told him that I expect big things from him this season... like 5 points per game. I'll just put it out there that if he can't find a way to jettison his offense and focus on the defensive end, I may just have to trade him out of town.
"Our free agency period was a great success, as I was able to bring in the great Dennis Rodman. I feel he is the poster child for what we are trying to grow here in Atlanta - an utter disdain for offense, a delight in playing defense, and a general attitude of, 'I don't care a fig about what everyone else thinks about how ugly I am or the way I play.' His veteran leadership will be invaluable to help us inculcate a who-cares-about-offense attitude into our young, impressionable players. And if that doesn't work to mold their little minds, there's always the backup plan... a sledgehammer. Besides, Rodman is already making his presence felt in scrimmages and I'm told he's getting close to his teammates, especially Detlef Schrempf
"We also brought back Derrick McKey, who enjoyed his time in Atlanta so much last season that he was willing to come back after we shipped him out to Washington. I expect Derrick will provide us with more of the same from last year - a little bit of everything. Except not as much scoring. That was annoying. Amusingly, one of the players we shipped him out for, Lorenzo Williams, decided my money wasn't good enough and went back to Washington. So, I guess this means we basically decided to reverse the trade. Oh, and got Walt Williams, who averaged over 14 points per game for us after we acquired him last year. I've been working him all summer to disabuse him of his unfortunate tendency to try to put the ball through the round orange ring instead of sitting on it and trying to hatch it. I'm still not sure how that will work out. He has told me he really does like watching the ball go in the hole and when I suggested to him he might want to take up golf he looked at me funny. So to any GMs out there that want him, hit me up. He can move, but be warned, he can't take direction and I'm not just giving him away..."
Wig abruptly grabs a piece of paper from just outside the shot and looks at it. He wrinkles his brow before tossing it aside. "I could go on but my assistant here just slipped me a note that your bosses like it when you actually ask questions of your own, so I'll magnanimously shut up and let you do your jobs... although I have to say, I'm perturbed that my cat-walrus animated gif masterpiece last year was snubbed at SLOESPY time, so if you want something like that again, you'd better be prepared to lobby for it at the end of the year or you won't be invited back to one of these things."
Finally, the door at the front of the room opens and two attendants wheel in... a large cart on which is mounted a closed-circuit TV. They switch it on and the image of Wig comes quickly into focus, seated on a couch and apparently unaware the camera is on. As the reporters begin to snicker, Wig suddenly looks up at the camera.
"My staff informs me that you're all back again. I thought the catsharks armed with laser beams outside would have given you a clue that..."
Wig suddenly looks off camera to his right and says more quietly, "What's that? They're dead? Why are they dead? Well why are they DEAD and rotting outside on the sidewalk? Water? Really? Of course not, you KNOW I hate that stuff! No, I... look, we'll discuss this later, I have things to take care of right now!"
Wig snaps his head back to the camera, "... anyway, I thought you all would have been scared off after the disaster that was last season. We fought all season long up until the trade deadline, when it was clear looking at the rest of our schedule (mostly road games against high playoff seeds) that we had no chance to make the playoffs. At that point, we decided to cut our losses, selling off all our expiring contracts for draft picks on the theory that this was a lost season anyway and it wasn't like we were exactly giving up our future... and we saw the result... a 28-54 campaign with our chance to get a superstar offensive player screwed up by two plucky wins over the division-leading Pacers and eventual champion Warriors in the final week of the season, followed by losing every lottery tie-break and falling back to 8th in the draft. No, I am absolutely NOT bitter about this.
"It was while stewing in my own juices about that I decided if I'm going to have to miserable watching this team lose, the least I can do is make life miserable for every other team that comes in here and for their fans by making it miserable to watch our games. However, since I didn't like stewing in my own juices here in the Atlanta heat - which is NOT a dry heat - I had air conditioning installed in my offices. No, I didn't install it in the whole building - I'm still chea... er... frugal, so I'm afraid you all will just have to suck it. What? Oh. Up? Suck Up? Reall? Yes I like that... reporters will have to suck up to... wait, hang on, no... you reporters will have to suck it up. And suck up, too. Or maybe not... our on-court talent - particularly following training camp - should prove more than capable of taking care of sucking this year.
"Given our bad lotto luck, I was quite pleased to see Ben Wallace fall to us at number 8. He gives us a guy that I think can grow into a lock-down defender in the frontcourt who can make opposing big men miserable. When Erick Dampier came available at number 13, I felt it was all but incumbent upon me to draft him. Pairing Dampier with Ben Wallace means I can probably count on our front court for no more than 4 points per game once they become starters. Add them to defensively gifted guard Eric Snow and I think we are building a strong candidate for the MOST OFFENSIVE TEAM - to watch - in the entire league.
<-- Actual video from our official scouting department
"Even better, I was able to bring in yet another young big man cut from the same cloth with Lorenzen Wright when I picked at 17. I hope in a couple of years, Lorenzen will bring that same defensive intensity and utter offensive ineptitude to the frontcourt that Wallace and Dampier do.
"I have already had a talk with Randy Brown, too. It seems he developed a taste for offense last season, putting up a career-high 17 points per game. I was just glad I locked him into a long-term deal for cheap before he decided to do that and go get a big head. I've told him that I expect big things from him this season... like 5 points per game. I'll just put it out there that if he can't find a way to jettison his offense and focus on the defensive end, I may just have to trade him out of town.
"Our free agency period was a great success, as I was able to bring in the great Dennis Rodman. I feel he is the poster child for what we are trying to grow here in Atlanta - an utter disdain for offense, a delight in playing defense, and a general attitude of, 'I don't care a fig about what everyone else thinks about how ugly I am or the way I play.' His veteran leadership will be invaluable to help us inculcate a who-cares-about-offense attitude into our young, impressionable players. And if that doesn't work to mold their little minds, there's always the backup plan... a sledgehammer. Besides, Rodman is already making his presence felt in scrimmages and I'm told he's getting close to his teammates, especially Detlef Schrempf
"We also brought back Derrick McKey, who enjoyed his time in Atlanta so much last season that he was willing to come back after we shipped him out to Washington. I expect Derrick will provide us with more of the same from last year - a little bit of everything. Except not as much scoring. That was annoying. Amusingly, one of the players we shipped him out for, Lorenzo Williams, decided my money wasn't good enough and went back to Washington. So, I guess this means we basically decided to reverse the trade. Oh, and got Walt Williams, who averaged over 14 points per game for us after we acquired him last year. I've been working him all summer to disabuse him of his unfortunate tendency to try to put the ball through the round orange ring instead of sitting on it and trying to hatch it. I'm still not sure how that will work out. He has told me he really does like watching the ball go in the hole and when I suggested to him he might want to take up golf he looked at me funny. So to any GMs out there that want him, hit me up. He can move, but be warned, he can't take direction and I'm not just giving him away..."
Wig abruptly grabs a piece of paper from just outside the shot and looks at it. He wrinkles his brow before tossing it aside. "I could go on but my assistant here just slipped me a note that your bosses like it when you actually ask questions of your own, so I'll magnanimously shut up and let you do your jobs... although I have to say, I'm perturbed that my cat-walrus animated gif masterpiece last year was snubbed at SLOESPY time, so if you want something like that again, you'd better be prepared to lobby for it at the end of the year or you won't be invited back to one of these things."
credit loco for photoshop
