Post by IamQuailman on Jul 29, 2014 0:13:13 GMT -6
HANS: Alright Welcome. WELCOME. Once again, I'm Hans.
FRANZ: Yah. And I am Franz.
HANS AND FRANZ: AND WE JUST WANT TO PUMP *clap* YOU UP.
HANS: Again, we are the owners of za Hans and Franz Pumping Up the Stat Sheet Basketball Academy. Yah. And we have spent countless hours studying za perfect specimens, yah. And after we finished looking in za mirror, we turned on za TV and invited a player from each team to our school, yah.
FRANZ: Not all bodies are perfect like ours, yah, but each of zese players who attended our school improved closer to being a biological masterpiece...
HANS AND FRANZ: LIKE US.
FRANZ: So today we want to share today with you our prodigies who most improved this season, yah.
HANS: So let's introduce our first...
HANS AND FRANZ: *clap* PLAYER.
FRANZ: First up, we have a player who is an athletic freak. His name is Penny Hardaway, yah. Za Dallas Mavericks very own point guard. Many feel that he is a MVP candidate, yah. But he's improved so much from last season. At our academy, we like to emphasize how to overpower you opponent. He does that, yah. In less minutes per game, Penny has scored 4 more points per game.
HANS: Oh, he likes za buckets, yah.
FRANZ: That's right, Hans. He loves to score. He's doing it more efficiently too. Za raw data says he's shooting a better field goal percentage, yah, 3-point percentage, yah, and overall true shooting percentage. But it doesn't stop there.
HANS: Yah, he has elevated his rebounding ability, using his muscles to work his way to a rebounding rate from 6.6 to 9.
FRANZ: But he is not za only player on a Western Conference team to catch out eye, yah. Another is Small Forward from za Lakers, Dennis Scott.
HANS: Ooooh, he's a sharp shooter, yah. I luff this guy! Moving to a new team, Dennis had a lot to prove. So what did he do? He came to Hans and Franz, yah! Next thing you know his shooting and scoring has gone through za roof. He raised his scoring from 21.7 to 28.8 points per game, yah. But not only has he seen improvement offensively.
FRANZ: Yah, he's a muscly physical defender now. We saw, and he raised his...
HANS AND FRANZ: *clap* POST DEFENSE POTENTIAL.
HANS: Now he's primed to get much better defensively; although put him in a 2-on-1 against Hans and Franz and he couldn't handle us, yah.
FRANZ: But za West isn't za only conference with players we made into stars at za Hans and Franz Pumping Up the Stat Sheet Basketball Academy.
HANS: In fact, za Eastern Conference has had basketball bodies come through za door and leave basketball stars. Way more than za Western Conference. Like our first Eastern prodigy, yah. For example, Sixers shooting guard Anthony Peeler. Yah, we like to call him Tony, because now that we are through with him, he's scary like Tony Montana. Even though he's playing only 4 more minutes per game, yah, he's scoring 8.1 more points per game.
FRANZ: More so, he improved his shooting efficiency. We helped him feel za blood flowing through his veins and control za muscle contractions in his body so that his release is far more effective. But enough of that raw scientific jargon.
HANS: Yah, all that talk of his improved field goal percentage and true shooting percentage makes me feel the Pump. It's like Ahnold said... orgasmic, yah.
FRANZ: Hans, control yourself. Overall, his PER has improved from 19.9 to 21.8 thanks to this academy.
HANS: Speaking of PER improvement, what about our friend from Washington D.C., point guard David Wesley? He's jumped from 16.6 to 21.9 in just half a season, yah. He jumped in points per game too, yah. He scored only 10.3 points last year; this year, 19.8. His shooting percentages across za board improved too. It is beyond belief! You can stop pinching yourself; because I have long ago, yah. He now is also averaging 7.4 assists per game.
FRANZ: Unlike last year when he only had 6.1. He is so good!
HANS: He is, Franz. He is! But is he our best? I think Byron Russell up in za Toronto has something to say about that, yah.
FRANZ: Oh, Byron. I luff his game too! His defensive game is so good. I feel bad for za flubby girly man who faces up against za pumped up Byron. Russell. It's only gotten better this season, yah. Isn't that right, Hans?
HANS: That's right, Franz. It'll only keep getting better, too. But that's not why I brought him up. His more efficient scoring is why. Like our other shooters we discussed earlier, he's gotten better and better. He's scoring 14 points per game, a contrast to his measly 7.9 points per game last season, yah.
FRANZ: There is one more guard I would rather talk about, Hans. His name is Dee Brown, he plays for the Pacers, and he woke up and smelled za muscles! Ahnold would be pleased with how perfectly pumped up Dee become this off-season. He's scoring 5.5 more points per game in only 4 more minutes. But za most impressive of all, his shooting percentages. Last year his percentages were flubby, yah.
HANS: So flubby, Franz. But now?
FRANZ: Now, they too are pumped up! His field goal percentages went from 40.7 to 46.5%, his 3-point percentages pumped up from 33.3% to 43.2%, and his true shooting percentage from 52.4% to 58.7%. WOW.
HANS: Yeah, wow. Franz, do you feel what I feel?
FRANZ: Is it a chance to... flex?!
HANS: Yah... anyway, where were we? Oh yah, Dee Brown. His points per shot have risen to manly man levels of 1.38 (from 1.21). And also his assist to turnover ratio, it too was pumped up, although slightly, from 2.47 to 2.64.
FRANZ: What about his PER, Hans? You forget it jumped from 16.8 to 22.4.
HANS: Oh, how could I forget? Oh yah, I know why. Because I was thinking about possibly one of our best prodigies, Franz. You know who I'm talking about, yah -- Charlotte's Tom Gugliotta. If there was one man who reminds me of Ahnold, it's Tom. He's enormous. Pumped up despite being around that flubby center loser Patrick Ewing, yah. Tom pumped some iron and flexed with us this off-season. Together we reached biological perfection close to za level of Ahnold. He shows it in not only his points per game; they rose from 16 to 21.5. It shows in his rebounding, too, yah.
FRANZ: Not every girly man can pull down 11.7 rebounds per game. That's a 2.3 rebound increase per game from last season, Hans.
HANS: Oh, Franz. Just because all my blood runs through my muscles doesn't mean blood doesn't make my brain stop working. I know math, yah. But you know what you did forget. His assisting ability. He pumped up his assists as well, raising from 3.2 to 3.7 per game. Just like za Hans and Franz Pumping Up the Stat Sheet Basketball Academy helped him, Tom pumps up his teammates' stats as well.
FRANZ: Hans, I think we spent enough time talking our prodigies, yah. We've neglected working on our own physiques long enough.
HANS: Ah, Franz, you are right. If za audience really wants to see za other Pumping Up the Stat Sheet Basketball Academy's MIP candidates from each team, they can look below, yah.
FRANZ: Well, don't forget, yah. We had a hard time finding prodigies from New Jersey, Golden State, Memphis, and Sacramento. We sent our invitations, but either they were turned down because they are girly men or they just had flubby girly men who would just slow down our pumping up.
HANS: Well then, it's time to cut this. Again, I'm Hans.
FRANZ: And I'm Franz.
HANS AND FRANZ: AND WE'LL BE HERE NEXT TIME TO PUMP *clap* YOUR PLAYERS UP.
