Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 9:47:03 GMT -6
Hi there. I’m a big follower of the PBSL. Been watching for years. And I don’t want to tell you all how to do your jobs, but…you’re doing it all wrong.
My name is Mackel Mikenamara. I’m a professional blogger and lifetime basketball aficionado. My vast knowledge of all things basketball, particularly the CBA, make me more qualified to run each of your teams than you are.
So this is what I’m going to do this year. I’m going to look at every team in PBSL with a losing record so far, and with a few short sentences, I’m going to fix their team. No need to thank me. I just want to share my vast knowledge with the little people.
New Jersey Nets (6-8): I thought these guys were in Brooklyn? Whatever. As a lifetime New Yorker (though I live in Utah now because the Book of Mormon was so good on Broadway), I am disappointed in this team. I hear that the owner is too preoccupied with his barking dog to field a competitive team. What you really need to do here is address the center position. Sam Bowie is famous. You should give him more minutes. TEAM FIXED!
Heat (6-9): This team was good last year and isn’t good this year. They traded away Hakeem Olaj— The Dream. What you need to do is go back in time and not trade Dream. TEAM FIXED!
Hornets (7-8): Last year you traded for Patrick Ewing and Detlef Schrempf to beef up your surprisingly good team. I see your team vision, and I have a few trades that will help you. Trade Gugliotta for Dominique Wilkins. Clearly Gugs isn’t making enough money, and you have shown you love big contracts. Nique fits the bill! My sources tell me that this trade is already going to happen. My sources are never wrong, and if they are, then I pretend they weren't ever a source! Win-win for me! TEAM FIXED!
Raptors (6-8): Perennial playoff team looks bad after shipping off two big stars. Defense looks great, but they need an offensive punch to gain ground in the division. They should look to trade for a scorer. See how easy this is? TEAM FIXED! Oh and also you should totally accept Stockton’s offer since you lost Barkley and Magic and you need at least one Dream Team Member. TEAM FIXED TWICE!
Cavs (3-10): Don’t use Garnett as a SF. He’s a PF. Trade Dominique. I don’t care how you do it. Someone should be able to take it. Is David Khan a GM here? He runs the Hornets, right? TEAM FIXED!
Bulls (2-11): Give Popeye Jones the ball more. He’s a Top 10 player in the league. TEAM FIXED!
Timberwolves (5-7): Too talented to be this bad. You need Kobe Bryant. Completely bottom out. You’ll have some issues in the next years with salary, but you should totally read the CBA. Not only will it help your team, but it’s just a delightful read. TEAM FIXED! AND EDUCATED!
Spurs (4-7): Drazen Petrovic is crashing in his development. You need a reliable vehicle to get you to the postseason. I’ve heard from Chris Sheridan that Todd Day may be available, but that means he won’t be BECAUSE CHRIS SHERIDAN IS THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. GOD I HATE HIM. I WISH HE WERE DEAD. IF CHRIS SHERIDAN WROTE THAT THE SKY WAS BLUE I WOULD TURN IT PINK WITH A NUCLEAR BOMB OF RAAAAAAAAGE.
Oh, um. Team fixed?
Jazz (5-9): Just like Timberwolves, you should be better. Michael Jordan deserves better. You need to make him the only scoring option. If he can’t handle the workload, you should trade him. WHAT? TRADE MICHAEL JORDAN, YOU SAY? Trust me, I know everything. You don’t want to have him as he continues to decline. TEAM FIXED!
Nuggets (1-13): You just need to play the Lakers 82 times. You’ll go 81-1. TEAM FIXED!
Blazers (6-7): Shawn Bradley isn’t tall enough. You should make him grow taller. I heard the growth plates haven’t closed yet. TEAM FIXED!
Kings (4-10): You need more scoring. Your best player is Sarunas. Sarunas sounds like Sheridan. GOD I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY. YOU CAN ONLY WIN BY BURNING SHERIDAN TO THE GROUND. TEAM FIXED!
Suns (4-10): Never have a training camp again. TEAM FIXED!
There you have it. If every bad team follows my plan, they’ll be a contender in no time. All GMs should also tuck themselves into bed with a good book to relax. I recommend the Full CBA Version 1.4, with annotations from Mack Mikenamara. It’s actually just my copy with a bunch of highlighter in the margins. It’s a real page turner.
I’ll be back later in the season with more great advice. You can follow me on twitter as long as you don’t question anything I ever say. Also, DON’T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT SHERIDAN. HE’S ALWAYS WRONG. I’M ALWAYS RIGHT. IF YOU FOLLOW SHERIDAN DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND FOLLOW A SHOTGUN POINTED IN YOUR MOUTH.
LEAGUE FIXED!
My name is Mackel Mikenamara. I’m a professional blogger and lifetime basketball aficionado. My vast knowledge of all things basketball, particularly the CBA, make me more qualified to run each of your teams than you are.
So this is what I’m going to do this year. I’m going to look at every team in PBSL with a losing record so far, and with a few short sentences, I’m going to fix their team. No need to thank me. I just want to share my vast knowledge with the little people.
New Jersey Nets (6-8): I thought these guys were in Brooklyn? Whatever. As a lifetime New Yorker (though I live in Utah now because the Book of Mormon was so good on Broadway), I am disappointed in this team. I hear that the owner is too preoccupied with his barking dog to field a competitive team. What you really need to do here is address the center position. Sam Bowie is famous. You should give him more minutes. TEAM FIXED!
Heat (6-9): This team was good last year and isn’t good this year. They traded away Hakeem Olaj— The Dream. What you need to do is go back in time and not trade Dream. TEAM FIXED!
Hornets (7-8): Last year you traded for Patrick Ewing and Detlef Schrempf to beef up your surprisingly good team. I see your team vision, and I have a few trades that will help you. Trade Gugliotta for Dominique Wilkins. Clearly Gugs isn’t making enough money, and you have shown you love big contracts. Nique fits the bill! My sources tell me that this trade is already going to happen. My sources are never wrong, and if they are, then I pretend they weren't ever a source! Win-win for me! TEAM FIXED!
Raptors (6-8): Perennial playoff team looks bad after shipping off two big stars. Defense looks great, but they need an offensive punch to gain ground in the division. They should look to trade for a scorer. See how easy this is? TEAM FIXED! Oh and also you should totally accept Stockton’s offer since you lost Barkley and Magic and you need at least one Dream Team Member. TEAM FIXED TWICE!
Cavs (3-10): Don’t use Garnett as a SF. He’s a PF. Trade Dominique. I don’t care how you do it. Someone should be able to take it. Is David Khan a GM here? He runs the Hornets, right? TEAM FIXED!
Bulls (2-11): Give Popeye Jones the ball more. He’s a Top 10 player in the league. TEAM FIXED!
Timberwolves (5-7): Too talented to be this bad. You need Kobe Bryant. Completely bottom out. You’ll have some issues in the next years with salary, but you should totally read the CBA. Not only will it help your team, but it’s just a delightful read. TEAM FIXED! AND EDUCATED!
Spurs (4-7): Drazen Petrovic is crashing in his development. You need a reliable vehicle to get you to the postseason. I’ve heard from Chris Sheridan that Todd Day may be available, but that means he won’t be BECAUSE CHRIS SHERIDAN IS THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. GOD I HATE HIM. I WISH HE WERE DEAD. IF CHRIS SHERIDAN WROTE THAT THE SKY WAS BLUE I WOULD TURN IT PINK WITH A NUCLEAR BOMB OF RAAAAAAAAGE.
Oh, um. Team fixed?
Jazz (5-9): Just like Timberwolves, you should be better. Michael Jordan deserves better. You need to make him the only scoring option. If he can’t handle the workload, you should trade him. WHAT? TRADE MICHAEL JORDAN, YOU SAY? Trust me, I know everything. You don’t want to have him as he continues to decline. TEAM FIXED!
Nuggets (1-13): You just need to play the Lakers 82 times. You’ll go 81-1. TEAM FIXED!
Blazers (6-7): Shawn Bradley isn’t tall enough. You should make him grow taller. I heard the growth plates haven’t closed yet. TEAM FIXED!
Kings (4-10): You need more scoring. Your best player is Sarunas. Sarunas sounds like Sheridan. GOD I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY. YOU CAN ONLY WIN BY BURNING SHERIDAN TO THE GROUND. TEAM FIXED!
Suns (4-10): Never have a training camp again. TEAM FIXED!
There you have it. If every bad team follows my plan, they’ll be a contender in no time. All GMs should also tuck themselves into bed with a good book to relax. I recommend the Full CBA Version 1.4, with annotations from Mack Mikenamara. It’s actually just my copy with a bunch of highlighter in the margins. It’s a real page turner.
I’ll be back later in the season with more great advice. You can follow me on twitter as long as you don’t question anything I ever say. Also, DON’T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT SHERIDAN. HE’S ALWAYS WRONG. I’M ALWAYS RIGHT. IF YOU FOLLOW SHERIDAN DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND FOLLOW A SHOTGUN POINTED IN YOUR MOUTH.
LEAGUE FIXED!
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