Post by WigNosy on Jul 1, 2014 13:14:28 GMT -6
GM WigNosy is snoring at the press conference table as the reporters quietly file in. After everyone is seated, there is an uncomfortable silence of about 10 minutes while reporters whisper among themselves and argue who is going to try to wake him. As the reporters continue to play rock-paper-scissors to avoid the "honor", a pimple-faced kid in a pizza delivery outfit knocks on the door and hollers, "I have one large jalapeno-and-anchovie pizza here for a Which Noisy(?)"
At this, Wig's eyes flutter open and he waves the pizza delivery kid in, "yeah, that's mine! Come on in here and put it on this table! How much do I owe you?"
"$19.26 with tax, sir."
"Price of anchovies must have spiked from last year." Wig grumbles and pulls out an old-fashioned coin purse. The amount of dust on the brass lock shows it almost never gets used. Wig fumbles trying to open it and finally, in defeat, shoves it at the pizza kid. "You open it... I'm a cat, I don't have opposable thumbs."
The pizza kid opens up the jangly purse and a deluge of coins rushes out all over the table - no bills, and all dimes, nickels, and pennies. Wig spends the next 15 minutes carefully counting out $20 even. "There you go young man, and keep the change as a tip! Don't spend it all in one place!"
The pizza delivery boy's string of curses can be heard as he departs the room. Wig settles into the first piece of pizza before one of the reporters sneezes. Wig looks up from his meal and seems surprised to see a room full of reporters.
"What, it's press conference time again? Didn't I get rid of you all last year? No? Fine..."
Wig: So, yeah, obviously last season was an unmitigated disaster. We made a huge trade for former MVP Karl Malone, and while he lived up to the billing, our team's strategy of "hack-a-whomever-came-close" didn't. Also there is no truth to the rumor that the league suspended me for a month after I hit two referees and one assistant commissioner in pregame warmups.
So, yeah, I saw the writing on the wall here in Oldlanta. I'm not sure what it said - those durn kids with their funny tagger alphabet makes no sense to me, but I knew it was time to move along. We unceremoniously dumped Robert Werdann to Orlando before the trade deadline, which was great because it netted us a pick that turned into the #8 pick in the draft.
In the offseason, our priority was twofold - get younger and shed salary. If we're not winning with a team that's in danger of the luxury tax, what the heck are we paying our good money for! We found a good trade partner in Utah that allowed us to do both - Malone said something about going home to his alternate dimension family - whatever that means - and while it cost us the services of Rik Smits, whose game I loved, it allowed us to get the services of the #3 overall pick, Antonio McDyess, which kind of went with my getting younger theme.
After picking up Antonio, I made a gamble with the #8 - Arvydas would have been a very nice get and given us a solid frontcourt, but I was committed to getting younger and besides, I've wanted McKey for a very long time, so we traded back to the #12 and added Derrick. I had kind of hoped Arvydas would still be there but I can blame the commissioner for fouling that one up. Eric Snow was a nice consolation prize, though. With both Snow and Randy Brown, who was top-five in the league in steals last year despite coming off the bench, I think we have the pieces to build a strong defensive backcourt a couple of years down the road. That's right, folks, I strayed from the championship-winning formula of "take the air out of the ball and bore your opponent to death in a 70-68 game" and I'm all about throwbacks... to the 1940's. I keep asking the commissioner when we're going to get rid of that pesky 24-second clock but he doesn't return my calls.
What? Newman is back? Yeah, I guess he didn't mind having his butt shipped out last time we signed him and if he thinks this time is going to be any different... what? Oh. Well, yeah, I see him reprising his role as a super-sixth man. Since we don't have the offensive punch we're used to seeing around here, expect him to inflate his stats.
Anyway, the bottom line is, we're going full rebuild, and we're looking for young players with old man games. At least, until I change my mind. Scott Skiles and Mario Elie will be expected to start until the young guys are ready or until their butts get traded out of town. As I think I was quoted a few years ago, I expect nothing from my players I don't expect from myself - I expect them to be completely loyal to me, and in return, they know I will be completely loyal to me.
I'm hungry now, so you can ask questions while I eat another piece of pizza.
At this, Wig's eyes flutter open and he waves the pizza delivery kid in, "yeah, that's mine! Come on in here and put it on this table! How much do I owe you?"
"$19.26 with tax, sir."
"Price of anchovies must have spiked from last year." Wig grumbles and pulls out an old-fashioned coin purse. The amount of dust on the brass lock shows it almost never gets used. Wig fumbles trying to open it and finally, in defeat, shoves it at the pizza kid. "You open it... I'm a cat, I don't have opposable thumbs."
The pizza kid opens up the jangly purse and a deluge of coins rushes out all over the table - no bills, and all dimes, nickels, and pennies. Wig spends the next 15 minutes carefully counting out $20 even. "There you go young man, and keep the change as a tip! Don't spend it all in one place!"
The pizza delivery boy's string of curses can be heard as he departs the room. Wig settles into the first piece of pizza before one of the reporters sneezes. Wig looks up from his meal and seems surprised to see a room full of reporters.
"What, it's press conference time again? Didn't I get rid of you all last year? No? Fine..."
Wig: So, yeah, obviously last season was an unmitigated disaster. We made a huge trade for former MVP Karl Malone, and while he lived up to the billing, our team's strategy of "hack-a-whomever-came-close" didn't. Also there is no truth to the rumor that the league suspended me for a month after I hit two referees and one assistant commissioner in pregame warmups.
So, yeah, I saw the writing on the wall here in Oldlanta. I'm not sure what it said - those durn kids with their funny tagger alphabet makes no sense to me, but I knew it was time to move along. We unceremoniously dumped Robert Werdann to Orlando before the trade deadline, which was great because it netted us a pick that turned into the #8 pick in the draft.
In the offseason, our priority was twofold - get younger and shed salary. If we're not winning with a team that's in danger of the luxury tax, what the heck are we paying our good money for! We found a good trade partner in Utah that allowed us to do both - Malone said something about going home to his alternate dimension family - whatever that means - and while it cost us the services of Rik Smits, whose game I loved, it allowed us to get the services of the #3 overall pick, Antonio McDyess, which kind of went with my getting younger theme.
After picking up Antonio, I made a gamble with the #8 - Arvydas would have been a very nice get and given us a solid frontcourt, but I was committed to getting younger and besides, I've wanted McKey for a very long time, so we traded back to the #12 and added Derrick. I had kind of hoped Arvydas would still be there but I can blame the commissioner for fouling that one up. Eric Snow was a nice consolation prize, though. With both Snow and Randy Brown, who was top-five in the league in steals last year despite coming off the bench, I think we have the pieces to build a strong defensive backcourt a couple of years down the road. That's right, folks, I strayed from the championship-winning formula of "take the air out of the ball and bore your opponent to death in a 70-68 game" and I'm all about throwbacks... to the 1940's. I keep asking the commissioner when we're going to get rid of that pesky 24-second clock but he doesn't return my calls.
What? Newman is back? Yeah, I guess he didn't mind having his butt shipped out last time we signed him and if he thinks this time is going to be any different... what? Oh. Well, yeah, I see him reprising his role as a super-sixth man. Since we don't have the offensive punch we're used to seeing around here, expect him to inflate his stats.
Anyway, the bottom line is, we're going full rebuild, and we're looking for young players with old man games. At least, until I change my mind. Scott Skiles and Mario Elie will be expected to start until the young guys are ready or until their butts get traded out of town. As I think I was quoted a few years ago, I expect nothing from my players I don't expect from myself - I expect them to be completely loyal to me, and in return, they know I will be completely loyal to me.
I'm hungry now, so you can ask questions while I eat another piece of pizza.
